How Meditation Makes You a Tantric Lover

How does meditation help bring us to the ecstatic states of tantric lovemaking that we hear about? They seem like two different things: a place of calm and a place of ecstasy. How do they work together?

There are two main concepts that blend together to make this happen. The first concept is using meditation to develop our neutral mind. The second is understanding how this neutral mind takes us to an ecstatic place during lovemaking.

In yoga, we recognize three minds: the positive, negative and neutral. It’s important to know that the positive mind is not “good” and the negative mind “bad”. The positive mind is simply the desire to DO things: learn something, build a bridge, speak your mind, take the job or have spaghetti for supper. The negative mind says: Are you sure? Can we afford it? Remember last time? We just had spaghetti.

In our modern world, our brain tend to be in a constant discussion (often battle) between these two minds. When in balance, they work together seamlessly pondering the pros and cons of a new idea. But when they are out of balance, our desires of the positive mind endlessly battle against our fears in the negative mind leaving us mentally and emotionally exhausted.

However, the neutral mind is neither positive nor negative. It sits back and observes the discussion as an impartial witness. It truly has no opinion for or against. It is the mind that says in the middle of a heated argument or crisis, “Hey, let’s all take a step back and breathe for a moment.”

Not only does this calm the situation a little, it also gives us a chance to listen within. It is within the stillness of the neutral mind that we are able to hear guidance, inspiration and new solutions.

This is a beautiful goal of meditation – to strengthen this neutral mind. Very seldom in our busy lives is this taught or even valued. We are expected to always have an opinion. We must always have a plan. We must always be aware of what could go wrong.

When are we asked to just “be” or just be neutral on any topic?

In meditation, we are practising “being neutral” when the technique is to “just let the thoughts float through your mind”. Sometimes, we can imagine our mind like a blue sky and the thoughts (positive or negative) that come in are like clouds floating through. We don’t hold on to them. We don’t engage with them. We just let them float through and focus on the sky. Or like thoughts are logs floating down a river. We let the logs go and just focus on the flow of the river.

This is strengthening our neutral/witness mind.

As we strengthen this in meditation practice, we can then use it in all aspects of our day-to-day lives. If we are at work, we can take a deep breath and slip into a neutral zone where we can hear new ideas and inspiration. At home, we can slip into neutral as we listen to our children or our partner so that we can be fully present. And within our own struggles, we can find a safe, still place to observe the “discussion” going on within our own mind.

So, how does this fit into tantric lovemaking? (Please note that “tantric” simply denotes our human ability to be expansive and whole. It isn’t a set of tricks or positions. It is simply being fully human – which is truly unbelievable).

One of the keys to living in a tantric way is be able to let go of our past, our training, and our fears so that we can be totally in this moment.

Lovemaking is a place where our mind often goes into overdrive totally taking us out of the moment thus reducing the lovemaking to a primal act of simply “having sex” which, unto itself, really isn’t very interesting.

Often, our positive mind is planning the next move, wondering what the other person would like or thinking of how to fulfill its own desires. In fact, even if our positive mind takes us only a few seconds into the future, we are no longer present to what is happening at all. We aren’t truly experiencing the touch and the pleasure… and if we are, it is just on the surface because our mind is already onto the next thing.

And then there is our negative mind which is often filled with fears, worries, and memories from the past. What if they don’t like what I’m doing? What if I’m not a great lover? What if their last love was better than me? Am I too physically unattractive? Is my penis too small? Are my boobs too flabby? What if I can’t get it up? What if I can’t keep it up? What if I can’t orgasm? And on and on.

Instead, the path of tantra is to clear out these fears of negative mind and the desires and plans of the positive mind so that we can exist in the space of the present moment.

When we are neutral, and therefore present, we can respond to exactly what is happening in each moment. This might be stillness, or movement, a new position, a different touch, or just lovely kissing. Neutral doesn’t mean “doing nothing”. It is simply the quiet, still, unattached place within where inspiration has a chance to be heard.

Because we are totally present, we feel every touch and sensation in its totality. If we are present enough, we not only feel touch on our skin, but this sensation will run through our entire nervous system lighting us up completely. Even the lightest touch becomes ecstatic and orgasmic if we are totally focused and paying attention.

Because we are present, the lovemaking slows down to a place where we can spend time looking into each others eyes, deepening the connection and the awareness of this amazing experience that we are having. As we gaze into each other’s eyes, fully present, we realize what an incredible gift it is that this other person is allowing us to share this vulnerable space with them. This gratitude deepens every touch, every movement and electrifies every kiss.

And then, in this inner, silent space, we hear guidance. Because our minds aren’t interrupting the natural flow, our bodies will just naturally do what feels lovely to them. Lovemaking may be slow or it may speed up. The bodies will simply respond to the energy that is naturally flowing between you. Instead of creating something to act out from the mind, you both get to ride the true energy that your union is creating.

Simply being totally in the moment and having no past to worry about or future to plan brings us to an incredible place of joy. Being able to feel the sensations of touch amplified to what our bodies are truly capable of floods our bodies with pleasure. And then the surrender of listening within for the next move and allowing our bodies and souls to take us on a new adventure each time, allows us to feel the expansion of what it is to be truly human.

And so, how do we move forward?

There are many paths to heal our past, release our fears and let go of our expectations in life. One of the beautiful ways is through meditation by strengthening our neutral mind. As we practise this in meditation, we naturally start applying it in our lives. Perhaps it is within our own mind first. Then in interactions with those we love. And then, at work.

And then, it will naturally appear in our lovemaking.

It will simply have become a part of us. To learn more, you can visit my course - Foundations for Tantric Intimacy. Live classes on zoom begin September 2022!