7 Steps to Tantric Lovemaking
One day, a podcaster asked me to give his listeners some steps that they could take to become tantric lovers. He asked, “Where can my listeners start right now — even if they’ve never studied tantra of any kind?”.
Tantra really isn’t about sex. It is a wonderful spiritual path of total expansion into our divine and physical selves. But when we apply these tantric principles our lives, this is where we find the magic… and lovemaking is definitely our favourite place to apply them!
Here is the list I gave him.
#1: Be with the right person
People often ask me how tantric lovemaking can last for hours and hours. What are you doing all of that time? How do you possibly last that long?
The key is to be with someone that you truly want to explore. It’s like sitting on a couch with a good friend. You can tell them anything. You can drink coffee and chat for hours and hours. What did you talk about? Well, lots of things… and nothing… all at the same time.
Now imagine that this friend is an intimate lover. Maybe you love to fool around. Maybe you are naked. Maybe you have intercourse. Maybe you are cuddling. Maybe you are lying with your heads on the pillows looking into each others’ eyes saying sweet nothings to each other. Anything is possible.
If we are in a relationship with someone whom we cannot even relax on the couch with, this kind of lovemaking is impossible. If we have animosity with them, we will have too many guards up. Energy won’t flow easily. If we have sex, we will have to stay on the surface — stay in our primal wiring. It’s safer there.
Our lovemaking is defined by the connection we have with the other person. If the connection is clear, trusting, and loving, then our lovemaking will be too. From there, we can explore whole other levels of connection.
#2: Being emotionally open with another person
Let’s consider that we are both physical and energetic beings. How to join our physical bodies in lovemaking is obvious. At its core, this sexual wiring is built into all animals for the purpose of procreation. Luckily it is pleasurable so that we all want to do it.
Then there are the parts of ourselves that are non-physical: our emotions, our thoughts, our spiritual selves, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, and everything else. These are all truly the essence of who we are. These hold our true power and life force.
To experience true tantric lovemaking, this is where the power and energy come from that take our experience to a whole other level.
Can you share these parts of yourself with another?
To share these deeper aspects of ourselves first requires a total acceptance of who we are. We must be comfortable with all of our emotions. We must not be in judgment of our thoughts and feelings. Why? Because if we judge these aspects of ourselves, we will naturally hide them from another. We won’t want them to see our “true selves”.
The guards that we put up to hide from our lover will keep our lovemaking in the physical realm. As enjoyable as this can be, we are missing the other 90% of our potential. It is like we are connecting the circuit but not letting the electricity flow through.
But once we drop our guards, our physical bodies simply become the conduits for all of the energy flowing between us — which is infinite. Once this energy starts to flow, everything changes. Our bodies disappear. All we feel is an infinite river of energy flowing and we just hold onto each other for dear life.
#3: Only have the goal of connection
One of the most unpopular teachings in the tantra world is the idea of practicing non-ejaculatory sex. Why can’t we ejaculate? Isn’t that kind of the point? (There are many reasons to release this goal of ejaculation — the least of which is the chance to experience full-body orgasms with our partner as opposed to the orgasm that often happens at the time of ejaculation. As enjoyable as this type of orgasm is, it is very limited and small compared to what happens when your whole body starts to play.)
The bigger joy of releasing this ejaculation focus is that you get to choose a new goal — complete connection and merging with our partner. When this is our focus, everything we do changes. We slow down. We notice our partner. We break out of any patterns or go for the quick tricks — we are in for a longer game which opens up the field to so much more.
This also allows the energy to rise and fall naturally. We may be very passionate in ways that look like “procreative-style sex” and then we may collapse into a cuddle and then we may kiss passionately and then have intercourse. This natural rise and fall allows us to connect with each other in perfect resonance with where our bodies and minds are in each moment.
True magnetic connection happens to create a space for endless possibilities.
#4: Tantric Touch
Touch is one of the vehicles for this wonderful connection. Previously, when we used touch to simply stimulate our partner to orgasm, all sensation stays on the surface. The touch stays on the surface and the orgasm is generally limited to the genitals or breasts.
Instead, imagine touch as the way we connect our electrical systems together. Our entire body is wired with an incredible system of nerves that is constantly firing and sending energy messages throughout the body. What if you could hook this system up to someone else? What if you could create an electrical circuit with another person?
Human bodies are created this way. We are designed to be sensitive (to be able to sense) another person’s “energy”. These energy circuits can connect with each other. We can share feelings, thoughts, and blissful orgasmic flow!
The key is to imagine that your hands (and every skin cell on your body) carry an electrical charge. As your fingers move gently over the skin of your lover, their body will be sensing your presence. If they feel comfortable with you, their body will open up and respond. Literally, the hairs on their body will rise up to meet you.
Continuing to caress each other in gentle and pleasurable ways will heighten the bodies’ response. “Heightening the body’s response” simply means increasing the magnetic flow between you. Your bodies will literally be drawn together magnetically — preparing for full merging.
#5: Kissing
Oh, the thrill of kissing.
Kissing is also a part of this incredible connection with each other. The first thing to do is to slow down and actually feel our lips against each other. We will notice our partner’s breath merging with our own. We feel the breath coming out of their nose as our tongues play with each other.
We are now connecting in an incredibly intimate way. Breath. Touch. Taste. Smell. Tiny glances at each other as our lips brush our cheeks, lips, and faces.
This is also where we can merge our breath, our spirit, our life force together. We don’t have to do special techniques or rituals with the breath. We just have to slow down and notice just how intimate this is — to be aware of how special it is to actually breathe with another person… to intertwine tongues… to smile… to truly connect.
#6: Eye-Gazing
Now let’s imagine that we allow ourselves to connect through the eyes as well. This takes our intimacy to a whole new level. To drop our guards and allow someone to look into our eyes fully clothed can be a challenge. To allow them into our soul naked and vulnerable is a whole other thing.
But this is exactly the point. To know that this other person is happy to allow you in. To know that you feel comfortable letting them in as well. To look into each other’s eyes and smile as you touch and kiss and hold each other. This truly brings us closer than anything else.
It also locks our attention on the experience. We talked about creating an energy circuit with the other. Eye-gazing guarantees that we stay present and keep that circuit open. Many of us are accustomed to being very distracted in life. We “multi-task”. We think about 100 things at once. Staying focused is a great challenge often achieved by only a few.
If we let our minds drift while making love, then the energy circuit is broken. Whatever was flowing will stop immediately. Eye-gazing keeps us present. It keeps all the channels open.
This may be a challenge in the beginning and we may need to playfully bring each other back to the moment. But it is a worthy goal… to stay present — body, mind, and soul.
#7: Intercourse
So, now let’s physically join our bodies together. We are with someone whom we are loving exploring. We have created an incredibly magnetic connection through intention, caressing, kissing, and gazing into each other’s eyes. The bodies will now want to physically complete the circuit and fully connect.
At this point, intercourse looks quite different than it would in our regular procreative-style model. In that primal wiring, there is a lot of pumping and friction in order to bring us (or at least the male) to a climax for ejaculation.
But we are on a different path. Our path is experiencing total connection. Our hope is to experience orgasmic flow between our bodies as we become one. Every cell of our bodies are now resonating together so that we can fully merge and experience bliss.
And so, intercourse becomes the “plugging in” of our bodies. Regardless of our orientation, we will connect our bodies in our genital area — connecting our “root chakras”. We will continue to kiss and maintain eye-contact — connecting our upper chakras. With this beautiful circuit connected, we continue to make love in whatever way feels wonderful and exciting.
From here, anything is possible and it is never the same twice. We are infinite beings getting to play in these wonderful physical bodies that respond and love pleasure. All we have to do is fully connect those bodies — physically and energetically — and all of that infinite energy will flow between us.
Time and space disappear… and we experience what it truly is to be human.
If you would like to learn more about how to incorporate Tantric lovemaking in your life, here are a couple resources for you to consider:
- Foundations for Tantric Intimacy, an 8-week online course to transform your life and relationships.
- My book 'Tantric Intimacy: Discover the Magic of True Connection' helps create a foundation of understanding intimacy and connection with our loved ones.
