People are falling in love all around me. Yesterday, I met a new friend who said that she met a man and has fallen in love. Two days before that, a good friend came for lunch. “You wouldn’t believe it. She lived right down the street from me.”

A week before that, another friend fell in love with a man she met on Tinder. Today, I found out that another friend is dating a man who is blowing her mind.

And what do all of these stories have in common?  THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS PERSON.

In every story, their new love doesn’t fit what they thought they were looking for, attracted to or wanted in their life. For some, the person isn’t physically, or intellectually what they thought they were attracted to. For others, they live too far away, have animals, children, the “wrong” job, or just a totally different outlook on life.

Here are the common phrases I’m hearing every day:

  • “I don’t get it. He/she is nothing like I thought I was looking for.”
  • “You probably won’t understand it when you meet them… but I’m head over heels for them.”
  • “There is such a crazy connection between us.”
  • “They kiss me and I totally melt.”
  • “They could have walked right by me on the street and I wouldn’t have given them a second glance.”
  • “They are nothing like I was looking for. Yet, they are perfect for me!”
  • “And the lovemaking… We make love for hours… Effortlessly… OMG!!”

What’s going on? Why are we falling in love with people whom we couldn’t have imagined before?

It’s a great question. As a tantra teacher listening to students and participants in my workshops, I have some ideas.

1) We are looking for True Connection

Historically, we were looking for a partner for marriage, children, societal status, etc. It’s like a picture was placed in our minds of what we are looking for. For some it might have been a white picket fence. Or, as in the case of one of my friends, a woman partner to join him in his dark, goth lifestyle (but has now fallen in love with a bright and cheery wedding planner).

Regardless, we had a picture of what this canned life was going to look like. But of course, the picture in our mind didn’t conjure up the feelings between the people. Sure, we assume that we would be happy and fulfilled. But what about the actual connection between you and your partner? This wasn’t necessarily part of the picture.

But today, it’s the passionate connection we seek. We want to feel alive when we are with this person. We want to want to be able to love them completely and we want to feel that love for us as well.

The old days of “looking good for the neighbours and family” are gone. We care more about what is going on behind closed doors, than what it looks like from the outside.

It’s truly about our experience. No one else’s opinion matters at all.

2) The Brainwashing About What’s “good-looking” is losing its power

We are becoming aware that we have been fed ideas about what is good-looking and that this is getting in the way of finding true love.

I used to be a belly-dancer. Historically, belly dancers were voluptuous women of at least middle age. Their bodies carried the stories of their lives and these stories were shared in the form of sensual dance. But a few decades ago, bellydance went more mainstream and suddenly bellydance troupes had to be thin, young with long dark hair. Soon, the middle-aged women with full bodies didn’t look attractive any longer. The audience’s eyes had changed (not everyone.. but many).

Our eyes have been changed too. We watch movies where the leading men look like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington and the women look like Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson. The men are tall and muscular and the women are pencil thin with firm breasts. And every looks approximately 25 years old.

Then magazines and advertisers continue the trend in order to sell us gym memberships, face creams, protein drinks, and plastic surgery. Our brains are subtly brainwashed daily to believe exactly what “they” want us to believe is beautiful.

And so, this basically leaves the vast majority of the population out in the cold because they simply don’t look like these images.

But as more and more people strive to look like these photoshopped images, being falsely beautiful, fit or youthful starts to lose its appeal. You don’t have to go on too many dates from online apps with “beautiful, fit” people to find out that what they look like has absolutely nothing to do with connection, depth of person, or what kind of lover they are… In fact, many report that if the person is VERY good looking, it is more likely that there is less personality and less effort put into the relationship – because they just haven’t had to try hard before.

In fact, many of the greatest tantric lovers I’ve known did not fit our stereotyped image. They would have been considered too fat, too thin, small penis, quirky, too short, too old, etc. Yet they had such an amazing focus on the connection, they were naturally tantric, and all the magic that we seek in lovemaking was effortlessly there.

3) We are truly awakening

The world has changed. Maybe it was the 2013 shift from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius. Maybe it’s just that we are evolving. But we can see more than we could see a decade ago.

We are more intuitive. We can read people faster. We can feel their kindness or their indifference. We can feel their ability to connect or how shut down they are. We can feel their joy and their sadness almost immediately.

We aren’t as attached to being attached. We are more content to be alone – so we are more discerning in whom we choose to connect with. We are in full choice all of the time. We are seeking someone who truly adds to our lives, not just someone to fill in the picture we need to fulfill.

We can see more than just someone’s appearance. It’s like the other aspects of people are shining through brighter than their physicality. They could be tall, short, fat, fit, old, young, disabled, or whatever, yet we see ten other aspects of them. They may even shape-shift before our eyes – shifting from what society sees to the titan that appears to us in lovemaking.

Going Forward

“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies, how different our ideals of beauty would be.”

And so, if you are seeking love and true connection, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you have an idea in your head that is blinding you to who is right in front of you?
  • Who put the ideas in your head of what your love must look, sound, act like?
  • Who is right in front of you but you can’t see them?

The times are changing. We know that there is more than what a relationship that looks good on the surface can bring us. We are seeking a deeper experience. We want to go to the next level.

So, if you seek love, have heart and hope. None of these friends of mine had any idea that this was going to happen. Many were giving up hope that there was anyone out there…

When suddenly “he/she” appeared… And they were hiding right in plain sight.

Foundations for Tantric Intimacy - Online Course with Katrina Bos & Fusion Tantra

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